Flowers at a funeral say "I am thinking of you" without needing the right words, which is why they have lasted. They are also perishable, sometimes unwanted, and occasionally forbidden. Here is how to decide, in the order you will meet the questions.
First, read the obituary
If it says "in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to...", the family has told you what they want. Make the donation and send a card. Sending flowers anyway is not generous; it is not listening. If it says "flowers welcome" or says nothing, flowers are fine.
Second, know the tradition
- Jewish funerals traditionally do not have flowers. Food for the house of mourning, or a donation, is the custom.
- Muslim funerals are simple by design; ask the family, and a donation or food is usually more welcome than an arrangement.
- Many Protestant, Catholic and secular services welcome flowers at the service and the graveside.
- Buddhist and Hindu services vary widely by family; white flowers are traditional in some, and the safest course is to ask.
When in doubt, the funeral home knows what the family has said, and a phone call takes a minute.
Where to send them
- Before the service: to the funeral home or church, addressed to "the family of [Name]", timed to arrive the day before or the morning of. The funeral home tells the florist when.
- After the service, or if you missed it: to the home. A week or two later is better than the day after, when the house is already full of arrangements and the family is numb. The flowers that arrive in week three are the ones people remember.
- For a cremation with no service, or a memorial months away: a plant to the home, not a cut arrangement. It lasts.
What to send
A standing spray and a casket spray are for the immediate family to arrange, not for guests. A guest sends a modest arrangement or a plant. White is traditional; the person's favourite colour is better if you knew it. A peace lily or an orchid outlasts cut flowers by months. If you knew them well, a flower that meant something (the roses they grew, the sunflowers from their kitchen) says more than an expensive one.
The card
Short. The family will read fifty of them. "With love and sympathy, the Hendersons" is enough. One true line is better: "She taught me to make pie crust and I think of her every Thanksgiving." Sign with your full name; the family may not place a first name alone, and they will want to write a thank-you.
What does more than flowers
- Food, delivered in containers you do not want back, with a note saying what it is and whether it freezes. Or a delivery gift card for the week after the casseroles stop.
- A donation to the cause the family named, with a card telling them you did.
- A written memory. A page about the person, or a note on their memorial page, if there is one. Families keep these. They do not keep lilies.
- A specific offer. Not "let me know if you need anything". "I will mow the lawn Saturday" or "I will take the kids Tuesday afternoon."
- Showing up later. A call in week six, when everyone else has stopped.
When you are ready to write their obituary
There is no hurry. When it is time, answer a few questions about them and the obituary is written from your answers, in plain words you can change. Free to write and read.
Begin when you are ready