Should I Write My Own Obituary?

The people who write their own obituary are usually not ill. They are organised, or they have just been through a death where nobody knew the facts, or they are writers. What they say afterwards is nearly always the same: it was easier than expected, and oddly good for them. Here is the case for doing it, and the way to do it so it actually helps.

What it does for your family

In the first days after a death the family has a hundred tasks and no sleep, and one of the tasks is to write a page about you, under a newspaper's deadline, while trying to remember the year you came to this country. If the page exists, that task is gone. They read it, add the date, change whatever they like, and have one less thing to get wrong. Nobody has ever been upset to find one.

What it does for you

Writing the obituary is a quiet way of looking at the whole thing at once: what you did, who you loved, what you would want remembered. People finish it and call a brother. It is not planning for death so much as taking stock, and it is the one piece of estate planning that is pleasant.

What to include

• The facts your family might not have: full name, where and when you were born, your parents' names, schools, service, the jobs in order, the year of the marriage.
• The things only you know you would want said. The work you were proudest of, which might not be the job. The friend who changed your life. The place you were happiest.
• What you believed, in a sentence, if you want it there.
• The survivors as of now, knowing they will update it.
• Your wishes for the service, briefly, or a note saying where the longer version is.

What to leave out

Settling scores. The obituary is read by everyone, including the people you are angry with and their children; leave the grievances to a letter nobody has to publish. And leave the last paragraph, the one about how you will be missed, to them. It is not yours to write, and they will want to.

The voice

Third person is the convention and the easiest for the family to publish without editing. First person is allowed and can be wonderful, but it reads as a letter and some newspapers will not run it as an obituary. If in doubt, write it in the third person and add a short first-person note at the end if you want one.

Where to keep it

This is where most self-written obituaries fail: they are in a document on a laptop nobody can unlock. Keep it in three places. A printed copy with the will. A copy with the person who will handle things. And a copy somewhere that does not need a password. The writer on this site is built for exactly that: answer the questions, press Save Progress, and it emails you a link that opens the draft on any device, now or years from now, with no account and no password to lose. Give the link to the person who will need it.

Update it

Once a year is plenty. Grandchildren arrive, you retire, you move. Five minutes on your birthday keeps it true. If you never update it, the family will, and the facts will still be right, which is the part they could not have done without you.