Where to Find a Grief Support Group, and Whether You Should Go

A grief support group is a room of people who have lost someone, meeting on a schedule, with someone leading. That is all. It is free or nearly free, it does not require you to speak, and it is the one place where nobody will tell you that you should be over it by now. Below is where to find one, by the kind of loss, followed by what to expect.

Where to look

• The hospice. If the person was under hospice care, the hospice runs a bereavement program for the family for at least a year afterwards, usually free, and will have already written to you. If they were not, most hospices still open their groups to the community. This is the best first call.
• The funeral home. Many host or know of local groups, and the aftercare coordinator's job is to point you to one.
• GriefShare (griefshare.org) runs church-hosted groups across the United States and beyond, in thirteen-week cycles with a video and a discussion each week. It is Christian in framing; people of no faith go and are welcomed, but you should know that going in.
• The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org) is for parents, grandparents and siblings after the death of a child of any age, with chapters in most states. If that is your loss, this is the group.
• After a suicide, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org) keeps a directory of survivor-of-suicide-loss groups, which are specific to that loss for good reason.
• For children and teenagers, the Dougy Center (dougy.org) in Portland pioneered peer grief support for children and keeps a directory of similar programs around the country; the National Alliance for Children's Grief (nacg.org) does too.
• After the death of a pet, several veterinary schools run pet-loss support lines staffed by trained students, and some animal hospitals host groups. Ask your vet; they will know the nearest.
• Hospitals, especially after a death in the ICU, the NICU, or from cancer, often run groups through their chaplaincy or social work departments.
• Online. Groups meet by video now, which helps anyone rural, housebound or working nights. The organisations above all run them. Public social media groups are not the same thing; the good ones are moderated and closed.

What the first evening is like

You sit in a circle, or at a table. The leader explains the rules: what is said here stays here, nobody has to talk, nobody gives advice unless asked. People say who they lost and when. Someone cries; someone laughs; both are normal. You can say "I would rather just listen tonight" and that will be the end of it. Most people speak on the second or third visit. The hour goes faster than expected, and the walk to the car afterwards is often the moment people decide to come back.

Who it helps most

People whose own circle has gone quiet, which is nearly everyone by month three. People who have a loss the people around them do not understand: a child, a suicide, an ex-spouse, a pet, a friend. People who are tired of being the strong one. And people who want to hear that the strange things they are doing (talking to the person, keeping the voicemail, setting two cups) are what everyone does.

When a counsellor is better

A group is company. A counsellor is treatment. If you are not sleeping or eating for weeks, if you cannot work, if you are drinking to get through, if the loss was traumatic or you saw it, or if months in you cannot function at all, see a grief counsellor or a therapist, and go to a group as well if you like. Hospices can refer you; many offer short-term counselling free.

If the first group is wrong

Some are. The leader talks too much, the faith does not fit, the losses in the room are too different from yours. That is a reason to try a second one, not a verdict on groups. People usually find the right room on the first or second try.